Stuck in the Cycle of Abuse?
Many people who find themselves in abusive relationships find themselves confused and say things like "when it's good it's good, but when it's bad it's really bad." If you've said this before you are not alone. You may be one of the millions of people experiencing Intimate Partner Violence or "IPV". Intimate Partner Violence can happen once, twice, or many times and can occur on a spectrum of severity. It can occur between current or former intimate partners and it does not require sexual intimacy or cohabitation. Intimate Partner Violence comes in all sorts of forms:
Emotional/psychological - gaslighting, threats, splitting, parental alienation, intimidation, misusing pronouns, threatening to "out" a partner's sexual orientation etc.;
Physical - hitting, punching, slapping, kicking, choking, etc.;
Verbal - screaming, name-calling, criticizing in front of others, being demeaning, insults, etc.;
Financial/Economic - forcing someone to not work, limiting access to funds, locking you out of the shared domicile, etc.;
Sexual - rape, non-consensual sexual encounters, reproductive coercion, public displays of affection without consent, etc.;
Technological - cyberstalking, using tracking devices and cameras, monitoring texts, phone calls, social medica, and/or electronic health records, etc.;
Health-care - tampering with medication or decisions related to medications, preventing you from seeing providers on your own, not allowing access to gender-affirming care, etc.
The Cycle of Abuse
Many people often express being stuck in a cycle with their abusive partners and not understanding why they find it so difficult to leave. This is because of the intermittent reinforcement that occurs between periods of tension and abusive incidents and periods of calm and "honeymooning." Trauma bonding to the person using violence occurs during this cycle. Trauma bonding is the unhealthy attachment that one has to an abusive partner. Essentially the intermittent reinforcement via moments of being loved versus moments of being abused creates an unhealthy attachment cycle where the one being abused is often stuck waiting for a glimmer of hope, which they eventually always get -- in the honeymoon and calm phases of the abuse cycle. This keeps them hooked, so to speak.
During the tension phase, stress begins to blossom between partners and the person experiencing violence may attempt to reduce said tension by complying with or consoling the person using violence. Of course, tension in a serious relationship is normal at times, but the difference is how the parties in the relationship resolve the tension. Is it through violence or working out issues in a safe manner that brings you closer to one another? The abusive incident phase is where different forms of abuse will occur in a relationship with IPV. The honeymoon phase is where the person using violence will apologize or show remorse with acts meant to lure you back in. They may promise that they will never abuse you again. The calm phase is quite literally the calm before the storm - the period where things abuse stops or slows down before tension begins to build again leading to further abusive incidents.
Resources
Know that you are not alone. There are resources to help you. Store 24/7 warmlines in a safe, discreet way such as the National Domestic Violence Hotline (800-799-7233). Many counties also have domestic violence agencies with local 24/7 hotlines, including some state hotlines. These hotlines can link you with resources to include shelter, legal advocacy, and safety planning.
Seek the support of an experienced therapist who specializes in these issues and who can help educate you on abuse and empower you through the process of making difficult decisions. A seasoned therapist can also help you come up with a safety plan and continue to refine it as the situation changes.
Websites to Know
National Domestic Violence Hotline: https://www.thehotline.org/
National Sexual Assault Hotline: https://rainn.org/
Find Shelter: https://www.domesticshelters.org/
Futures without Violence: https://www.futureswithoutviolence.org/
Also check out the secure "myPlan" app for resources and warmlines information: https://myplanapp.org/
Books to Check Out:
"Out of the Fog: Moving from Confusion to Clarity after Narcissistic Abuse" by Dana Morningstar
"Why Does He Do That?" By Lundy Bancroft
"Daily Wisdom for Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft
"The Gaslighting Recovery Workbook: Healing from Emotional Abuse" by Amy Marlow-MaCoy
"Recover and Rebuild Domestic Violence Workbook: Moving On from Partner Abuse" by Stacie Freudenberg
None of these resources or books are sponsored. These are simply resources that I have found helpful in my practice and that I've personally used with clients seeking support.
